2:03 PM, on a Tuesday
Suzie: This weekend, in my fevered sick state, I was watching Law and Order, and I began fantasizing about killing him, so I would no longer have to put up with such potent levels of fuckwit. And before I knew it, I was trying to decide whether, once I had killed him with his own laptop, whether I would dispose of his prehistoric body in the Hudson or the East river.
Did I tell you? On Friday, he called me to a meeting to talk about “him”.
Not the magazine, editorial, production, gallery or anything REMOTELY related to work, but him.
And he was like, ‘Why do you think I can’t keep employees?’
And I’m like ‘OMG, you do not want me to answer that.’
And he is like, ‘But you seem to be able to understand me and handle me’
(after throwing up in my mouth at the idea of “handling” anything of his) I just shrugged my shoulders and was like ‘Well, you are difficult, but you allow me to vent and scream at you, when you piss me off, which many bosses wouldn’t do.’
Then he leans forward (ferret eyes all watering) and says ‘That’s because we are more than workers.’
I almost died.
I have been interviewing job applicants all freaking day (rolls eyes),
one of which im pretty sure was a pre-op.I was hypnotized by her/his lashes (
gestures towards her eyes).
I have never seen anyone wear false eyelashes on the bottom eyelids (
pauses)
It was insane.
And her hair- bleached within an inch of its life (
holds hand up with thumb and pointer finger out, about an inch apart)
It was like a straw/toilet brush hybrid.
Not cute.
And I was like SERIOUSLY transfixed …
(
laughs) she made your ex’s current girlfriend look like a delicate flower (
laughs again, louder)
She is from LONG ISLANDwhich you know is like NJ and Staten Island had a rich babyand it was Long Island (
waves hand in the air dismissively).
But she looks like the Jersey shore threw up on her (
grimaces).
I was like, “What are you currently doing?” and she is like, “I’m in the fashion industry”, and I’m like, “In what capacity?” and she goes, “Oh, I work in a boutique.”
Right (
takes a sip of coffee and glares up through her eyelashes).
I look down at her resume and see, ‘Current Occupation: Payless teller
’. (
long pause)
SERIOUSLY, I love a good Payless shoe
but it is NOT a boutique.I’m like OMFG,interviewing these fuckwits…
Yes! (
makes a fist with her hand and mimes a cheering gesture in the air)That is why I’m still paying off my student debt and busted my ass for 5 years in school!
Perfect. (
takes another sip of coffee and turns back toward computer screen, vigorous typing ensues)
Suzie: OMG.
OMG
OMG
today is the day i kill everyone in this officeand i will be on CNN as the nice British girl who never said anything to anyone, but then
one day
snapped
and killed everyone in the officeand they will do psychological studies into what made me snap and kill everyone with a magazine or letter-opener
Sent at 3:02 PM on Tuesday
me: oh, oh my god
Suzie: and they will find that 2 years sitting next to a codependent 30-year-old virgin lesbian asian who acts like a 4 year old, and dealing with a coworker who has a martyr, pity party complex
and an unethical, money hungry jewish dinosaur
made me snap
